Wednesday, June 29, 2016

First post!

So here we go-- back to blogging, but in a different way. I'm putting this in place mostly for my own accountability, and to be sure I am writing as much as I had intended to this summer. This blog, interestingly enough, will be about my eating and exercising habits. I've had a really trying time with my diet and exercise in my life, and a run-in with an eating disorder that brought me down for far too long. Now, I feel that I am finally in a place to be everything I want to be:


HAHAH! That's going to be my new motto. So, so stupid and cheesy, but that's the kind of person I am. I want to live up to my full potential as myself and not feel shitty anymore about weight, my muscle mass (or lack thereof, for now at least), or my caloric intake. 

You might want to skip this part if you are sensitive to the subject of eating disorders.

I will not go back to calorie counting, obsessively trying to stay under 1000 calories a day and exercising to get to a negative intake. That made me lose weight, but it also made me lose touch of myself, lose friends, lose energy, and lose self-esteem altogether. I went from a meat-eating, slightly chubby person at 138lbs (~62.5kg) to a strict vegetarian, anorexic person in a matter of months. It only took a year to go from 138 pounds to 96 pounds, but it's still taking time to get back my self-esteem and healthy eating habits that I had lost. I remember obsessively logging every food I ate in My Fitness Pal, avoiding going out to eat with my friends, avoiding eating with my boyfriend at the time, and making excuses like "I already ate today". At school, I would sit alone at lunch in hallways and read instead of eat, to distract myself from the fact that I was so hungry. It was, for lack of a better term, super fucked up. I only wish I realised that at the time. During this part of my life, I excommunicated myself from my friends and didn't give much of a reason. The only person who really ended up noticing, as it turns out, was my grandma. Nobody knew how much weight I had lost, nobody really knew the extent of my eating habits, and still, not many of my friends know how bad it actually got. I'm fairly open about it now, but I feel like it's the right thing to be open about it, otherwise I wouldn't be able to heal or learn from it.

About a year has passed since I realised my life was utter shit due to my eating disorder and I needed to do whatever I could to fix it. I have stepped down from the super-strict vegetarian lifestyle to the less-strict pescatarian diet in order to get more protein, because a part of me is afraid that if I step back into vegetarianism I will step back into unhealthy eating habits as well. Meat from other animals besides fish definitely gives me the heeby jeebies though, and I won't be going back to that in a future that I can see.

ANYWAYS, I really didn't mean to make this so long. Now, in the present, I am a healthy 114lbs, which is good and standard for my height of 5'1''. I don't exercise much besides walking and rollerblading, and I eat fairly healthy aside from ridiculous amounts of chocolate and sugary drinks (I am a sucker for coconut water and overly sweetened tea, but I don't drink soda). Basically, I just want to do something that makes me accountable for my mood, energy, diet, sleep, and exercise without using some shitty app, counting calories, or reading labels. I want to get into better shape, gain muscle mass, and eat a lot of veggies. So I guess that there is the goal of this blog. Yeah... This will kind of be a food blog. More than that, though; a lifestyle blog. Who knows. 

Ok. That all being said, I'm signing off.


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